i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
