the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
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