I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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