im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Haha oh wow he'd be perfect. He's got everything MTV looks for in a real world cast member. Gay. Tool. From Methuen
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
