you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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