I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
