WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
