I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
