i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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