you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Just invented taco cereal.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Randomize
