awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
i think im in europe. pls send help
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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