the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
