I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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