She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
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