I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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