Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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