whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
