I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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