Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize