Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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