Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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