Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
