I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
