first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
