Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
