So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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