I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
