I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
