My hand turned me down
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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