What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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