there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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