Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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