My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Randomize
