You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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