So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Randomize
