Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
