Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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