What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I don't deserve a penis
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Randomize
