I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I have aggressive nipples.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
