Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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