So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
