Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
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