I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize