I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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