Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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