I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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