Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Randomize
