It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Randomize
