I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
