You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Randomize
