I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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