Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
