There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
