i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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