we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
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