another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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