Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Randomize
